I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
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I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
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When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.