I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.