Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
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im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
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You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.