so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
