By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
