i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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