just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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