did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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