Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
