Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
