True but thats because hes a fetus.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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