$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
