boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
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He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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