can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I love you. Go after that dick
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
