Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
