I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
