I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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