just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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