I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
