Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
