The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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