To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
