I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
