I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
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Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
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I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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