if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
