Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize