He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
