Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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