the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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