Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
