you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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