Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
