Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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