i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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