i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
