It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
we're so committed to being not committed
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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