I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
