you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
