Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
