dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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