my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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