The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
