did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Please don't give away my fajitas
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
