Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He better not be in your backpack
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
