Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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