Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
