I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
