Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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