at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
