just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
