i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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