I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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