i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
