Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
