We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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