he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
