worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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