You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
