i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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