how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
