I'm passing your future prison.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
