that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
