Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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